Stepkid Versus Stepparent
Many times stepparents feel the stepkid’s bad behavior is directed toward them. It may appear that way, for sure. Especially if the stepparent finds a note, the stepkid wrote that says, “I hate (insert stepparent’s name).” Yeah, it’s hard to see that the note isn’t about you. It specifically says YOU! But it’s rarely about you.
What You Represent
Ever thought of what you could represent to the stepkid? To the stepkid, you could represent that their parents will never get back together. If one of their bio parents is absent, the stepparent can be a constant reminder to the stepkid that their bio parent is absent.
In the beginning of our blend, a cereal box made my head spin like the lady on “The Exorcist.” Of course, it wasn’t the cereal box; it was what it represented to me.
They Can Be Afraid
The stepkids can be afraid you will take their place, and their bio parent will stop loving them or love them less. Being concerned you are trying to replace their bio parent is often another concern. If the child has gotten used to it just being them and their bio parent, and the stepparent comes in with all these rules and discipline, the child can easily feel the stepparent is trying to replace their other bio parent because setting rules and such in the home is something the child is used to the bio parent doing.
Change Isn’t Always Easy
Often when the blend starts, things change around the home. The new adult in the home can make changes in the home that make the stepkid feel they are erasing their past. For example, if the stepmom comes in and starts redecorating the home the stepkid grew up in when the bio parents were together, the stepkid can feel the stepmom is trying to get rid of “evidence” of their mom and their past in the home. Change can be hard for the stepkids. Adjusting to their parents splitting up, adjusting to new schedules, new homes, and new “friends” of the bio parents can be overwhelming.
Afraid Of Being Replaced
The stepkids can fear you and your partner may have another kid and “replace” them. This can be a huge struggle, especially if the other bio parent says, “Your dad/mom is starting a new family, and they won’t love you anymore.” Crap like that is horrible to say to anyone, much less a kid!
It’s Not A Personal Attack
Just like when we encounter a worker at the fast food drive-thru that is grumpy or unfriendly, we don’t know what they are going through. But their behavior has nothing to do with you. It’s not a personal attack.
Not everything the stepkid does is a personal attack, either. Granted, we know there is a lot of manipulation of kids to try to get the stepparent and bio parent to split up. The stepkids can absolutely makeup crap, lie and try to make life miserable but many things could boil down to perception.
Perception Can Be An Issue
At one point in our blend, pre-nacho, I was waking the stepkids up in the morning to get ready for school. I walked into their bedroom and said “Rise and shine, kids that ain’t mine!” and laughed. Later that evening, David said one of the stepkids said I yelled at them that morning. I thought I never yelled at them. Then I thought about it. Prior to my being the person waking them up, Maw Maw, David’s mom, usually woke them up for school.
She would go in all quiet, rub their backs, and greet them to a morning of sunshine where their breakfast was made, their clothes picked out, and a morning filled with a grandmother’s love. My coming in all cheerful could have seemed loud to him. Maybe that’s what he meant by yelling at them. Anyway, the point is, they say there are always three sides to every story. That’s because there is your perception, the perception of others, and the truth. Makes you wonder what reality truly is then, huh?