I Didn’t Expect This
Something happened recently that shook me harder than I ever thought possible. To explain fully, I have to go back a few years.
Three of my husband’s kids went into the Air Force. Two went overseas, and one stayed in California. The one that stayed in California is the one this involves. So, we’ll refer to him as Cal going forward.
Cal met a girl, we’ll call her Annie, and they fell in love. We never met her in person for the first two years, just through Facebook Messenger video calls a few times. During this two-year period, they split up and got back together several times and even lived with each other off and on. Sadly, it wasn’t the healthiest relationship. And unfortunately, some things happened that caused some, let’s just say, not-so-pleasant feelings toward Annie from some in the family.
The Surprise
About six months before Cal was to leave the military and move to a town about two hours from us, Cal and Annie had decided to call it quits… again. A few months before he was to get out, he called his dad, David – my husband, through Facebook video calls. We had just pulled up at Home Depot. Two of his other kids were on the call too. That wasn’t unusual; they have group calls often.
I heard Cal say, “Dad…” and I knew. Just in the way he said it, I knew it was something he had to tell his dad, that he needed the brothers on the phone so they could see their Dad’s reaction, or maybe for some moral support, and that it wasn’t something David was going to be happy about. Cal said something that conveyed Annie was pregnant. I don’t recall exactly how he phrased it as I looked at David as my brain translated this information.
I can’t say I was completely shocked; I had said before that he would get her pregnant just because that would have been the “icing on the cake” after the incident that caused the hard feelings with Annie.
David was a bit, let’s say, upset about the news. I don’t know that upset is the word to explain it. There was no “congratulations” or hip hip hooray! And it wasn’t that David wasn’t excited about being a grandparent; he just knew this would forever change the trajectory of Cal’s life, and life would be a lot more difficult than Cal had expected it would be straight out of the military.
Building Relationships
With the new developments, Cal decided when he got out of the military, he would stay here a few weeks, then move about four hours away to live with Annie and try to make things work. We finally met Annie not long after he came home. It was a little awkward, to say the least, but everyone was trying to start anew and let go of the crap from the past, so it wasn’t really as tense as awkward. We all hung out and chit-chatted for a bit. I enjoyed the conversation I had with her. I liked her.
Over the next few months, Cal and Annie visited us a few times before the baby was born. I really liked Annie. She was funny, smart, and excited to become a mom. I was impressed by the preparations she was making to give the baby a stable home, and you could tell she was going to be a good mama.
Welcome Baby Girl
Baby girl was born in November, and we’ll refer to her as Grace going forward. Annie and Cal brought Grace to the family holiday get-togethers, and since they lived four hours away, they’d stay a few days. Of course, we all doted on Grace and passed her around like a hot potato! With Thanksgiving and Christmas close together, we were blessed to see them as much as we did.
We made the trek down to see them and spent the weekend with them a few months later. They have come back here to see us a few times and stayed for a couple of days since then. The last time they came, Annie had to go out of town for three days for work, and Cal had to work, so I offered to keep Grace.
I was so excited to have this sweet girl for four days! We had a great time! She was teething and was a bit clingy. I didn’t mind at all because I know it won’t be long before she doesn’t want to be held. Just holding her and looking at her sweet little face does my heart good.. Oh, and of course, making her laugh. Hearing that squeal and seeing that toothless old lady smile just made things well within the world.
Something Is “Off”
When Annie returned that Friday, you could tell they both missed each other. It was precious to see! I noticed Annie seemed a little different than normal, but I figured she had just driven 6 hours after being in classes most of the day and was probably tired.
I went to bed early that night but knew Cal would be here later that night because we were going to have a little get-together for David’s mom’s birthday that next day. When I woke up the next morning, it was to the sound of the front door opening and shutting repeatedly. Finally, crawling out of bed, I saw that Annie was leaving and had packed everything up, including Grace. She was pulling out of the driveway as Cal was coming back in the door.
I immediately asked Cal what was going on. He said they broke up. I was shocked! They seemed to be doing so much better as far as we knew.
The next thing that happened completely threw me for a loop.
A Shattered Heart
I started crying, which doesn’t happen often, so it was a bit shocking. And I couldn’t stop! It was the ugly cry! My heart hurt! It reminded me of the ache in my heart I felt when my mom and sister passed away.
I finally stopped crying and walked into the laundry room to start a load of laundry. That’s when I saw baby Grace’s little bathing suit hanging up. I lost it again. I finally gained my composure, and I had to get something out of my car and saw her car seat. Tears just poured out of my face.
Why Did It Hurt So Badly
I was trying to understand why this hurt me so badly. Doing some soul-searching, I determined it was due to multiple reasons. I love Annie and baby Grace. Like I truly love them. I had gotten really attached to both of them. Cal and Annie breaking up was an instant feeling of knowing things would never be the same. We wouldn’t see them as much and wouldn’t have the fun we had with them as them being a little family. No more beautiful family pictures of all of them. I missed them already! My heart ached for what the future wouldn’t hold and for what it would. Kind of reminds me of that country song back in the early 90s, “What Might Have Been” by Little Texas. Yes, that shows my age if my being a step grandparent didn’t already.
Knowing How Hard It Is
I realized part of my pain was knowing what they would have to go through as a “split” family. All of them. Cal won’t be there for Grace’s first steps, first words. We wouldn’t all be together playing silly games and laughing. And eventually, new boyfriends/girlfriends will enter the picture, which can often complicate relationships, and even destroy them..
We know all too well the challenges stepfamilies face. As parents, we want to protect our kids from going through the struggles we did. We had hoped them seeing our struggles would make them work harder to never be in that situation. The good thing is we know we can help them navigate through these challenges and even avoid some of them, but that doesn’t stop the hurt.
I did have a conversation with Cal and expressed my desire to continue to have a relationship with Annie and baby Grace. He said he was “cool with that.” And Annie said she wouldn’t keep baby Grace from us, which was comforting, and I didn’t think she would, but again, it still hurts.
Reality
I never thought I would get so attached to one of my stepkids’ girlfriends/wives, but I did. It really shouldn’t have shocked me because I got attached to another stepkid’s wife when they stayed with us for a few months and I love her too! And I love their sweet boy! Apparently, I get attached to people quite easily, and that’s ok. And honestly, I don’t think I realized that I do get attached to people until the past few years. I’ve always guarded my heart, and feeling this hurt reminds me of why. But I refuse to let this stop me from loving those who I am blessed to have as a part of my life.
Even though it hurt like crazy, and still does, I am so thankful to have been able to build a relationship with Annie. She knows I love her and her sweet baby. She knows I am proud of her for being such a great mom. And she knows I still want them as a part of my life. Just because she and Cal ended their relationship, we are still grandparents/step grandparents to baby Grace, and we still love them both, always will, and want what is best for all of them.
We always say you can’t force relationships with your stepkids, you can’t force relationships with anyone for that matter, but you also can’t stop the force that builds relationships. It’s a natural process, and I’m thankful for the love I have for Annie and Grace. It’s a blessing to know them, love them, and be a part of their lives, and I am so thankful that Annie wants us to continue to be a part of their lives.