Recently I read something very interesting that shed some light on what some Nacho Moms (and Biological Moms) struggle with… wondering why your husband doesn’t see things the way you do when it comes to parenting.
The article listed several “types” of Fathers: Puzzled, paralyzed and those fighting to be The Man:
1. The “puzzled father” – just as it states, the father is puzzled. He doesn’t know how to parent. He didn’t go to school and take classes on discipline, punishment, spiritual leadership for dads. He is struggling to find the “best” solution, the most peaceful solution. Honestly, I think I can say I have been a “puzzled mom” and “puzzled Nacho Mom” many times.
2. The “paralyzed father” – this father does nothing. He is paralyzed. Many factors can be causing his being a paralyzed father:
Paralyzed By fatigue – Most fathers (and mothers) work full time. When the “paralyzed father” gets home from work, the last thing he wants to do is discipline and punish the kids, he’s tired.
Paralyzed By fear – Fathers paralyzed by fear are the fathers that know how they should discipline and raise their children for them to grow into successful adults. The fear comes when they do not want the Biological Mother’s house to be more appealing. All of us want our kids to want to be with us, but we also know human nature is the path of least resistance. Sometimes I look back and wish my parents would have divorced sooner… I only had 1 Christmas…, 1 birthday celebration… (Oooh… that may be the next blog ) Sorry, back to the paralyzed fathers.
Paralyzed by psychological thinking – These fathers over analyze their children’s actions because it cannot be as simple as they are irresponsible when they do not do their homework. They view it as something a lot deeper psychologically. Lack of turning in homework assignments on time is not lack of responsibility; it is more of a mystery that has to be solved by the parent. It’s like the game charades. They look at their children, their behavior, body language, etc. and try to determine the “root” cause of the issue.
Paralyzed by guilt – The fathers paralyzed by guilt have a tendency to easily overlook disobedience or becoming too sympathetic toward their kids. Guilt can be a result of feeling his kids are unhappy, his kids are suffering emotional pain due to the divorce or from his believing his poor choices in the past were the cause of the divorce. Shame can easily overshadow parental reasoning. Food for thought: Don’t have the “You don’t have to feel guilty speech” with them. Having this conversation with someone will belittle their feelings. When someone suggests how you should feel, it is normally not taken kindly and makes you angry.
3. Being “The Man” – Men like to be or seem manly. They do not want women telling them what to do. Men have to feel tough and surely do not want their kids to think some woman is telling him what to do. He is not a wimp; he is independent and strong and can rule the world.
I can see where some of these same issues may apply to mothers as well. Sometimes we get mad at our spouses for their actions or lack of actions, but it boils down to, none of us know what to do and are doing the best we can… but we do know if we are willing to open our minds and hearts, there is a way… One thing I have learned is forgiveness must be given daily because we all need it daily!! Wake up each morning as a “clean slate” day!