When you entered into the blend, did you have blended “dreams”? If you did, were they based on “nuclear” family expectations?
Even without your having a “blended family fairy tale” dream, there were and are still expectations. I’m sure of it. It’s human nature to have expectations of others. Unfortunately, expectations of others can set you up for disappointment. It’s ok to lower them. We really shouldn’t have expectations of others as freely as we do in the first place. (ref: nachokids.com – stepfamily-expectations)
In preparing for our blend, we read it takes on average eight years to blend. We knew there would be struggles, but eight years!?!?. That’s a bit much, don’t you think? And remember, “we were prepared!”. Well, the reality is… eight years is average for a reason! This crap is hard! If it was easy then 72% of blended families wouldn’t fail!
One step of the “Nachoing” process with the Nacho Kids Method is letting go of your previous expectations of the blend! Don’t look at the current blended situation as a disappointment. Instead, step into reality. Reality isn’t always so bad when we stop comparing it to what we thought it “was supposed to be” or “should have been”. Start creating a new, happier blend. Learn from the day before, but start each day with a clean slate! Create realistic expectations, if you have to create them at all!
- It’s okay to not be like a “nuclear” family because you’re not a “nuclear” family.
- It’s okay to not love the stepkids like your own because they’re not.
- It’s okay to expect their bio parent to parent them.
- It’s okay to step back and remove the target off your back and quit being the bad guy.
- It’s okay to find what role suits you best in the blend – Not everyone fits the traditional or societally defined stepparent role.
Find your blended “groove” and make it work! I know it’s hard, we were failing miserably and were at the point of looking for attorneys to just end the misery! That’s when we started what’s now known as the Nacho Kids method of a stepmom (stepparent) finding their own role in the blend.
Warning: When “Nachoing” is done properly, for the right reasons, and with guidance, the success rate of saving your sanity and blended marriage is high. And many people have even had success with “Un-nachoing” or re-engaging step in the Nacho Kids method.